wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
