I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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