at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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