Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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