My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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