We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
