Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
