I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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