apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
