I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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