ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
