I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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