How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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