White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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