how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
