Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Congratulations! We have a period
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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