I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
