I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think I am morally bankrupt
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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