oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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