final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
