You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
