life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
