I think i peed on brittanys purse
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
