I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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