All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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