sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
