If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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