What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
