Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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