I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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