Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
