it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
