remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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