Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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