Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
