tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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