i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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