There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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