I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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