I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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