She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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