If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
