on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
