Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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