Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
