According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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