I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
