i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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