The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
