It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
