He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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