When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
