No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
