so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
