I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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