How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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