Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
