I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
