Don't you send me to vm
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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